violetblues

7 months later I heard from the man responsible for my agonizing journey of crushing love.  I cried when I got the email.  Cried as if I were given answers to all the world's mysteries.  Once the tears settled, I realized he had made no apologies for disappearing into the ether.  Instead it was such pleasantries as, "I thought about you today", "it was meaningful," and "hope you're well," but nothing to settle the only mystery that mattered.

Within the week, my friend, Gab, tagged me on a picture where I am smiling.  I looked so happy there, but I remember that weekend getaway.  Emotions were a vivid double rainbow in gray skies.  Gab and I roomed together, experiencing similar heartache.  We both laughed, cried, drank, danced hard, made trips to our room rather than socialize.  We slept deeply and dreamed of recent days past; when the sun was bright.  In the photo it's as if my body is facing the future and my eyes are looking to the past.  I think I've been reclining in this position for a while now.  Hoping...

I ended up replying to the email.  There were so many ways I could have closed this chapter and, yes, I came spiraling out of violetblue to hope a little, too.  Maybe he's missing US?  In my heart I knew that wasn't true.  So I just said exactly what I thought.  I told him I was surprised, doing well, thinking of him, too, and wondering what happened.  I didn't ask for anything or profess anything.  Just told the truth.

Though the door is ajar now, my plan is to get up and keep walking.  Eventually, I'll find another way out.

A Darkroom Diary

my 2nd home for the next 4 months

a perfect view

The Toshiba Space Chair Project

A Darkroom Diary

I've had some time off to think about direction and the weight I carry. Every good traveler must consider them, yes? So I rolled the dice one wintry night and it was decided my exploration of personal space isn't quite over. The road most traveled maybe, but a road worthy of a skip or three and a whistling.

Crow

A Darkroom Diary

I finally did a photo shoot with my closest friend as the subject. I had been looking forward to the experience because for a long time I felt that my creative pursuits were lacking spark.  It's difficult to explain.  Everyone I love is supportive.  That doesn't mean anyone understands what I'm trying to say.  Hell if I do.  I digress, we had our session and it was sadly distant. Not fluid, but rather disjointed.  I couldn't figure out if it was my inability to take control, the sun's erratic behavior, or my nieces being lovely little creatures of curiosity.  I probably didn't consider the nature of being the big sister & aunt in the room; buckling instead.  Not outwardly, of course.  The worst thing you can do is fall apart when you're driving.  Inwardly, I was... in the dark.  My previous shoots had been illuminating studies in human behavior.  I basked in conversation and relished the emotional sustenance.  I was sure my photos would provide evidence.  They did not.  Only sometimes.  Of course.  I'm learning, still!  Besides that, not everything is worth capturing.  In other words, some moments are best left in daydreams.  This time there were gorgeous possibilities I was sure I'd missed.  Moments I wanted to cradle, gone.  Overwhelmed and maybe insecure about the whole affair and then -  

I was able to get a few glorious frames, including this one.  I don't even know if they really work or if I'm daydreaming.  The lesson here is that the element of surprise, the not knowing, is why I love film, this project, and my relationships... especially with the one(s) closest to me.

gorgeous and affecting

spread your wings...

A Darkroom Diary

I'm moving into darkness. My scope as wide as a butterfly wing turning into hurricane winds, but I remain unfocused. 4 photos were printed tonight. A blur in each. Some integral part. While I accept that moments are fleeting and my tears blur everything in between, I still need your light.

Darkroom Diaries

Rest in Peace © 2008

Running Woman 14

I ran trying to repair it... dove into my headphones under the trees over Mr. Robinson down by the haven up into a forest and then stopped at 5 miles realizing I'd have to run for days.

Seen & Heard

* Staring in a trailer bathroom mirror adjusting what I've got to give in my last flamenco performance for a long while. - Brentwood

* "It begins in the light and ends in wisdom." - one of professor G's favorite quotes from a beloved poet that I keep repeating every night since my trip to the darkroom.

trying to repair it anyway I can...

Seen & Heard

* A vocal booth that wasn't a closet and a mic that didn't have a sock over it... oh and lots of knobs - Midtown

* "Even someone ordinary can have a burst of extraordinary..." - A woman with a wonderful way with words.

Running Woman 13

Made it to Trotting Lane in the dirty depths of a heatwave. Trotting, not running yet... 4.77 miles.

twinkies twinkle today

Evolution

I am love. I feel loss. I'm beautiful. A blooming rose beats inside of me. Freedom rings on the dancefloor. Two baby girls smile when they see me. I'm not afraid to fight for someone. Soul sisters rule. Patience. I forgive. Love...

Lost

"The thing's hollow—it goes on forever—and—oh my God—it's full of stars!"

Sean Stiegemeier has pulled his exquisite timelapse teaser of the stars at night from his Vimeo catalog. I remember how the music and the visuals were so very perfect that I felt like I was dreaming. I've added this footage instead just so I can remember where I was when I found the first clip. A fair replacement. Thank you, Luka Balkovic!

 
Timelapse teaser from Luka Balković on Vimeo.

Woman on Wire

I ramble. This can be annoying, but my thoughts are messy and barely alive... like the 20 something plants scrambling for rays in my living room. I blame the drugs I experimented with and the many hours of sleep lost from doing them. In one of my episodes, I tried desperately to remember, through all the muck, what I saw that could change the world… one. The wars, the priests and rabbis, the camps, processed foods, and poor, defenseless animals against the NRA wasn’t enough and their names became part of the muck. 5 big yellow stars later I could only think of a man on a wire on top of the world. What it took to be so far away... Poetry and stillness is the move. Possibly, no, most definitely, a woman, too. It led me to the snowman who once told me he never overthinks. What he really meant was everything is up there, on wire, just not me. Then the Brit who said it was OK to be thought-less for days. I don't know what that means. I want to explain everything and understand what isn’t mine. But a businessman, who I never met before, simply sent me his thought in image form. I remembered just now as I'm listening for Saxman - making me high. I dream of hanging on.